Someone needs to hear this …
Apologies if this comes off rambling, but it’s been bubbling for weeks, and I just think someone needs to hear this.
This post goes against everything I believe in with social media.
“Don’t air your junk online.”
“We don’t burden people with our problems - people are going through so much worse than you are.”
“Keep it positive.”
“Keep personal stuff personal. We don’t discuss family issues online.”
Yep. This is what I believe and what I’ve taught my kids. Especially on social media. Even typing this now feels selfish and indulgent.
I don’t even know 90% of you. But …
Someone needs to hear this …
So, this last year has been a living hell. No, I’m not talking about COVID. Not yet … we’ll get to that in a bit.
Several years ago, my wife’s mother began a long, terrible battle with Lewy Body Dementia. It was brutal on our family. Rhonda spent a good part of a year traveling back and forth from TX to help care for her. I could write a book on this process, but this isn’t about that. Ugh. It was so painful watching my wife go through that. Her relationship with her was strained at best over the years, but a lot of healing and good came throughout the process, and reconciliation came before the end.
But I felt like I was losing my wife in the process. It was so lonely being in LA full time while she balanced time between our daughter in Nashville, occasionally me in LA when I wasn’t taping, and in TX caring for her mother. Wow. How selfish Jason. That wasn’t about you. But it was still painful.
In the middle of that process, production halted due to COVID. Of course we had no idea that would turn into over a year (and still going) of dealing with COVID as a nation and a world. But again, we’ll get to that. I feel like I’m rambling already, but …
Someone needs to hear this …
We eventually convinced our son to come home to spend lockdown with family. We didn’t want him to be isolated at college while all of us as a nation were trying to figure out how to navigate this. I was so excited …
But something had changed in our nation over the past few years. Politics had become more divisive. The nation was facing decades old undealt with issues coming to the surface at the same time. Even our family wasn’t immune to the division. Our pleasant conversations around the breakfast table became increasingly tense. There were conversations we no longer felt safe having with each other - years apart had taken it’s toll on us all. Oh, but I love my son so much. No way we’re letting this get between us … we worked through it, fought for unity, and found our footing again as a family. Thank you son. phew.
Now COVID was complicating everything though. My wife had to continue going back and forth to TX to care for her mother. I returned to LA to resume production under strict COVID protocols. How could we possibly find a balance between my wife’s duty as a daughter to travel and take care of her dying mother in a pandemic, while at the same time protecting my coworkers and not risking shutting down production and risking the income of people I care deeply about? No brainer - we sacrifice our time together as a family. Our decades long “we don’t go more than 3 weeks without seeing each other” went out the window. Have to do the right thing … we’ll get through this.
Eventually in October of 2020, her mother finally succumbed to her illness. My wife was devastated. And the distance (physically and emotionally) was taking its toll on our relationship as well. It was one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever witnessed someone go through, and has nearly torn a tight family apart. But we had our faith to lean on, and eventually over the next few months, my wife and I began the work of rebuilding our relationship.
“I think we’ll get through this. phew.But I need to get back to work …”
In January of 2021, a trip back to Nashville that was supposed to be a surprise engagement for our daughter went horribly wrong. Watching her heart break was devastating. And knowing I ended up being a part of the reason for her broken heart was unbearable. To break your own daughter’s heart. A piece of me died. There’s more, but it’s not my story to tell.
“But we’ll work through this. We have our faith to lean on. I think we’ll get through this. phew. But I need to go back to work …”
Later in January, my wife’s sister’s father-in-law succumbed to a battle with COVID. That sounds like a complicated connection … No, Roger Pricer was like family to us. In youth group growing up we were assigned “Prayer Parents” Roger and Nelda Pricer chose me, and from 1986, until the day he died, he prayed for me and Rhonda as if we were his children. We literally owe our lives to the Pricers. By this point, we had already lost 8 friends and family members to COVID, but this one really hit.
“But, we have our faith to lean on. I think we’ll get through this.”
In February of 2021, we had our daughter on the show … we had gone through hell and back as a family fighting 2 cancers with her, and in a full circle moment was able to help her raise funds for an amazing childhood cancer charity she had worked with for years. However, due to the aftermath of January, we were barely speaking at this point. We all put on our brave faces - we were going through a rough patch as a family. My wife still traumatized by the loss of her mother, our daughter traumatized by the ending of a long term relationship, and my role in it ending … but we knew we would get through this. We had our faith to lean on. As I sat next to her playing piano, while she sang one of the most raw and honest songs, my heart relived 4 years of cancer trauma in 3 minutes. I wasn’t prepared for that. Another piece of my heart broke … I felt like I was drowning. But … I think we’ll get through this. I can’t fix it now. I just need to get back to work.
You see - I have an amazing job. I am so blessed beyond what you could ever imagine. Beyond what I could have ever imagined. A dream job. An amazing boss. Amazing co-workers. Day after day, I watch our boss interview and spotlight people that have overcome incredible trauma, and have faced it head on with courage. What on earth is my pain compared to these?
“Good morning Jason!” … “Good morning Bingo!” … “how’s it going?” … “couldn’t be better!”.
Well, lies … but why bring my junk to work? The world is in the middle of crisis … look at all these people that have it so much worse than you. So your family is going through a rough spot, I think you’ll get through this.
I know this is getting really long … I’m going to have to speed it up a bit … but if you’re still reading, I still think …
Someone needs to hear this …
In March of 2021, after almost a year of lockdown, things were starting to open back up … hope was on the horizon. Concerts (socially distanced) began to slowly open back up. I was offered the opportunity to go play a show with Colbie Callait … Anyone that knows me knows that Colbie’s songs and voice are my happy place … It’s hard to listen to much music when you work on music 24/7/365 … but relaxing in a hotel room, sitting by the pool, my morning hikes … always was with Colbie. Finally, a bright spot … I practiced every day after taping for a couple of weeks.
The week before my first show, I got the news … My cousin Tanya had suddenly passed away. She had a heart attack, and couldn’t get to the door or phone for help. We were the same age. Devastated. Another loss. Due to COVID restrictions, the funeral had to be virtual, and I wasn’t able to say a proper good bye. On the morning of my first show with Colbie, I set my alarm for 5a to attend the funeral virtually. Cried. Prayed. Then got up to go the gig and do soundcheck.
Things were still tense with my daughter, my wife was still in trauma. In the aftermath of all that came with the last year, the cracks and divisions in relationships were spreading. Politics. Covid. Family dynamics … an entire nation under stress. Siblings no longer talking … Relationships with aunts and uncles strained. Our family was cracking on all fronts, and both sides.
I decided I needed to be a little selfish … they say when the plane goes down, you take oxygen for yourself, before you can help others. I needed oxygen. It was getting harder to breathe … I changed my flight last minute and decided I needed a day to myself in Utah after the Colbie show. I was in Zion National Park. I put all my trauma into that special ‘deal with it later’ compartment. I hiked. I drove. I prayed. I listened to music. I cried. I pleaded with God to restore my family. I realized that in the past year of isolation and selfish trauma, I began ignoring calls and texts from friends. Good friends. I didn’t know what to say … the whole world was in trauma. What are my little problems compared to people losing wives, husbands, children, losing jobs … not knowing how they were going to survive the year. I was blessed. I have a great job. I have my faith to lean on … I saw God in the beautiful mountains around me. Felt Him in the breeze. I felt refreshed and renewed … I was going to get through this. phew.
That night, I was woken by a call from a friend … “have you checked on Rhonda? (She was in Nashville) … the news says Nashville is flooding!” … it was 2 am. I logged on to my webcam, and saw a literal river flowing through our entire house. I frantically called my wife. My daughter. No answer … I tried for 30 minutes. nothing. I woke my son up in Madison … I was panicking … he couldn’t reach them. He sent me a report of 4 people dying blocks from our house while trying to escape the floods … I eventually had the thought to use our Apple Home Kit system to flash our bedroom lights off and on remotely from Utah, and woke my wife up … she was safe. But our house would eventually be a total loss.
The house we bought after the success of Catch My Breath. Our dream home. Our forever home. The home I envisioned our grandkids in. The home I buried my father’s (Bob) ashes in the backyard. My safe space. Gone. I could write a book on this, but needless to say, we were completely devastated. My faith was beginning to crack. I didn’t know how much more I could take. But you know what … it’s just stuff. My family was safe … We’ll get through this … I just need to go back to work.
In April, while taping the morning episode of TKCS, I got a text from my Uncle Bobby. “Call me … I have medical news about your dad”. I called during a commercial break … my dad had just been diagnosed with cancer. At this point, I’m just numb. I need to get through the tape day, and call my dad after the show …
I didn’t. I had nothing left in me after the last year. Just like all my friends that reached out during the year, I procrastinated calling. I’m barely hanging on. I can’t deal with this right now. I’ll call tomorrow … then tomorrow … then tomorrow. Eventually I did … dad was starting radiation soon. I should go visit … I didn’t. I couldn’t. I didn’t have oxygen.
That same week, lifelong family friend, Nancy Hatton, one of my mom’s best friends, and someone I saw almost every week of my high school life passed away … sudden heart attack. Devastated. How much more death could I deal with?
The season wrapped in May … we had made progress in our relationship as a family … me and my wife … us and our daughter… we were all doing the hard, but good work of not cutting communication, and working through it all … finally. I need a vacation! Let’s go to Hawaii! Hurry Rhonda, let’s book tickets now while we’re all getting along … I need this.
Then in a slip of words, it all blows up again … things are strained. I can’t do a trip where we’re all playing nice, but we haven’t resolved things … I canceled the trip. Let’s do the work on our family, then we’ll get away later …
Ugh. But I need a vacation …
Someone I work with invited my wife and I on a weekend trip to Tahoe the day the show wrapped … yes! We got on a plane … we got to the lake … we just sat outside and stared at the beauty, felt peace and just existed together for hours. I was starting to breathe … Then I got the call …
My 20 year old Nephew, Aidan, was shot in the head after a bullet went through his apartment wall from a neighbors dispute with a handgun. He was in critical condition, and it was not looking good. But we prayed …
We didn’t tell anyone we were vacationing with … it’s not their burden … don’t bring them down.
He passed away a few days later … off to the funeral we go. I will never be able to shake the image of my sister having to say goodbye to her oldest son. Another piece of me died.
Then last week, we lost our dear friend Nicole. Shattered. Nicole helped us navigate cancer with Kennedy. Nicole … who I spent hours with that no-one in the band knew about. Nicole … who I could actually be my COMPLETE self around. Nicole … who brought so much joy and light with her. always. gone. I will write a separate post about Nicole. She deserves it. Another part of me has died.
Last night I played my 2nd gig for Colbie … this time would be different … I needed this piece of joy for myself. Set the trauma aside … get more oxygen.
On the flight home this morning we get the news that our former youth pastor, Mitch lost his wife Michelle after a battle with COVID. His faith has not wavered … He did not say goodbye … He said “I’ll see you later” … ugh. My faith is tattered. I want to face trauma like him … but I’m broken.
OK. I’m done. I’m barely hanging on.
So, yeah, I don’t know who needs to hear this. But behind all the real highs this year that I have posted … things that truly are awesome, and mean the world to me … an Emmy nomination … performing with the Wilsons! Playing the White House! Playing with the Hoff! I could go on and on … true highlights. Real moments of joy amongst trauma … but I’m tired of only letting people see the one side. We are both. We are both victories and failures. Blessings and traumas.
In my effort to not be ’selfish’ … to not burden people with my ‘junk’, I’ve lost myself.
I’ve lashed out unexpectedly at well-meaning crew and coworkers.
I’ve isolated my self from true friends.
And back to COVID. All politics aside … the biggest side effect of this pandemic, after the deaths has been our isolation. All of our safety valves are gone … sense of community, interaction, travel, music.
And hear me say … COVID is real. We have lost dear loved ones. So have you. I wear my mask, because I love my neighbors, my coworkers. This isn’t about COVID in that way … this is a recognition that there is a 2nd layer of trauma we are all experiencing.
And I don’t have an answer … I just know someone needs to hear that they are not alone.
I’m hurting. I’m devastated, and I know you are too. Too many chunks have been taken out of my heart … and my faith is hanging on by a thread. But I’m choosing to push forward. I’m trying to believe.
We are fighting for each other and making progress as a family. My son is doing the work. My daughter is doing the work. My wife is doing the work. We will not let this family fall apart. We are going to make it through this, but it won’t and can’t be done alone.
Let’s please all have some grace on each other. I know that if I’m feeling this way, there are tons of others that are too. You never know what that person that’s rubbing you wrong at work is going through. And I know for a fact, a large majority of the people I work with, and my friends are going through the same traumas. Different. but the same.
Let’s fight against allowing our families/friends/coworkers to be divided. We need each other more than ever. I need you more than ever.
I still haven’t called those friends. I still don’t know how to mend these relationships. I’m still emotionally isolating myself from people I love. I’m a shell. My faith is cracked. But I’m choosing … I’m choosing to push forward. To fight for more. I refuse to settle for this.
I hope whoever needs to hear this, hears it.